


I'm Gonna Need a lot More Stress Relieving Macaroni

by LiteralCancerTM (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Magic School Bus
Genre: 17th Century, Collaboration, Confusing af, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gay, Hamilton - Freeform, Hamliza, Kingbury, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Mac and Cheese, Magic, Monticello, Pheaker, Schizophrenia, The Magic Schoolbus, Theoburr, Witch - Freeform, and peggy, dead characters come back, everyone is confused, gay marriage is legal bc we can, historical time fic, historically accurate can go suck a dick, i honestly don't care, idk what this even is, jeffmads - Freeform, mullette, where are the small children? i don't know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-23 14:50:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11992002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/LiteralCancerTM
Summary: So a friend and I had this idea at three in the morning so please don't judge. I don't know how often updates will be, so keep an eye out if you actually like this trash lolhelp usthis is a collab with said friend, she has the prologue I have chapter 1, we will alternate.





	1. Prologue

The bartender of a well-known bar watched as three men walked in, they approached her and ordered each their own drinks. The bartender took a mental note of their orders and started preparing them.  
“-and then I said, ‘go get your own damn horse!’” the bartender heard one of them say, she honestly wasn’t paying attention. She brushed back a frizzly red lock of hair that fell into her face, as she poured a little somthin’ somthin’ into the three men’s drinks. She turned around to face the three men, smiled at them like one does, and handed them their drinks.  
“Thank you,” one of them said, winking.  
“On top of these drinks, may we get your name madam?” A second inquired, leaning on the counter and nudging a third.  
“Goddamnit you guys, you know I’m horse-and-Frenchmen-sexual!”  
One of the three sighed and addressed the waitress. “My apologies mon ami, because of him we aren't very reliable with the ladies.”

Not even a day later, the same waitress was in a similar bar, but not the same one. She was casually making a drink for some random hobo when her next target walked in with two others. She only wanted the one though, the other two were for something else. She handed the hobo his drink and took the order of her next target and the two others. Once again she put something in her target’s drink, gave it to him, and left.

She later went to another bar, to get a duo. A duo of girls this time. She did the same process and went on to another. Next, she got a lone man, then she got a married duo, another lone man, and a British man. 

Then finally, she went to a graveyard. To her luck, her next two targets were buried in the same graveyard. She went over to a grave, stood over it for a few minutes, and poured a potion of her creation onto the grave. She then moved onto another grave and did the same.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fun begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay marriage is legal in this because we need our ships

Jefferson yawned loudly, not caring if he woke up his sleeping partner. He stumbled out of their bedroom to the dining room and sat at the table. “What is there to eat?” he asked one of his six-hundred slaves. It was probably Sally, it was always Sally, but he wasn’t too certain.. She began to list the many things he had in his kitchen but was interrupted by the Francophile. “Whatever, I want macaroni and cheese.”  
“Sir,” she protested, “is that the healthiest choice? And for breakfast?”  
Jefferson just rolled his eyes at her. “Oh my God, you sound like my prick of a husband. I’m having mac and cheese and that is final.”  
The servant just sighed. “Yes, sir.”  
A little bit into his meal, Jefferson heard a knock on the front door but paid no attention, one of the servants would get it. A male servant came into the dining room looking completely and utterly confused a minute later. “Um, Master Jeffe-”  
“No! Only Jemmie gets to call me that!” Jefferson barked.  
“Yes, sorry sir, but you see… I think you should come see for yourself.”  
“This had better be important,” he grumbled, “you’re interrupting a very important meeting with my food.” Jefferson followed the man to the front door where several small children sat. He guessed most of them were around five, but something was amiss…  
Suddenly Jefferson let out a blood-curdling screech that could wake the dead. “HAMILTON?!” Jefferson was speechless for once in his entire life. Were his eyes deceiving him or was that a small(er than usual) Alexander Hamilton on his doorstep with fourteen other small people he knew and people he didn’t know? “Why the hell are you here and what the fuck happened to you?”  
“That I do not know. But I suppose you wouldn’t mind helping us in this...predicament?”  
Jefferson took a step back. “I-I’ll be back. I think.” He dramatically ran to find his husband, who was just coming out of the bedroom, looking very concerned.   
“Thomas?” he softly said. “I heard a scream, what’s going on?” There was a sense of urgency in his voice, but he knew there was a possibility somebody made his macaroni wrong.  
Jefferson fell into Madison’s arms, practically making him fall over. “Go to the front door,” he wailed. He then fell to the ground on purpose because he’s a fucking bitch-ass drama queen. “I don’t know what to do!” He latched onto Madison’s leg with his hands.   
“Thomas, get off of me,” Madison complained, shaking his leg in an attempt to get Jefferson to let go. He then saw the fear in his lover’s eyes, sighed and softened a bit. “Look, honey, it can’t be that bad.” Jefferson just shook his head and buried his face into Madison’s leg.   
“I can’t deal with this.”  
“Baby, c’mon let’s go see what’s going on, okay? Then we can deal with whatever problem you’re scared of. And if you can’t handle it all you can leave it to me. Does that sound alright to you?”  
Jefferson thought for a moment before agreeing and allowing Madison to help him up. He followed behind Madison down the stairs. He bumped into Madison’s back as he came to an abrupt halt. “What is this? Thomas?”  
“I-I don’t know.”  
“We’re little kids, dumbass,” he heard Hamilton scoff. “What the hell do you think? Now, are you going help us or not?”  
“Like hell we would!” Jefferson exclaimed, peering over Madison’s shoulder and sticking out his tongue at Hamilton.  
“Secretary Jefferson,” a commanding yet a high-pitched voice said in a warning tone. He watched as a five-year-old George Washington stepped in front of Hamilton. “I don’t know how this happened or what to do, but I do know we need your assistance. Secretary, would you be so kind as to help us as we attempt to figure out what to do? I’m still your superior.”   
“Y-Yes sir, why don’t y’all come inside?” Thomas and James stepped aside, still in shock. And that was when the fun began.


	3. Chapter 2

Alex woke up on the doorstep of Monticello, without a clue for what happened in the last couple hours. Including how he got there. To say he was extremely confused was an understatement, and what he realized next didn’t help at all with the confusion. He was five years old.  
“The fu-”  
“Language Alexander,” a voice from behind Alex scolded him. Alex turned around and saw Washington, who was also a five-year-old. “If you didn’t notice, we’re five-year-olds, and kids can’t swear.”  
“Do I give a damn?”  
“Son-” Washington was interrupted by Alex giving him the finger and walking away. 

“Alex?” Came a voice from Alex’s left. Alex turned and through the midst of all the other five-year-olds, he saw someone he thought he’d never see again.  
“JOHN!” He screamed and ran over to his boyfriend. Alex forcefully hugged him, almost knocking John over. “But- what- how- you died!”   
“Yeah. I don’t know either.”  
“AND PEGGY! Doesn’t know either…” Came a shrill voice from the middle of the crowd of kids. Afterwards came two more shrieks from Angelica, and Eliza.   
“So!” Came a yell from near the back of the crowd. “Does anyone know why we’re five year-olds!?” It was a voice Alex never wanted to hear again, Samuel Seabury’s.   
“Dammit.” Almost everyone in the crowd murmured. “A fucking brit.”  
“I heard that…”  
“Do we care?” Someone in the crowd asked. “No, we do not.” Once, again a voice Alex hadn’t heard for awhile. They kinda got out of contact after the war. Hercules Mulligan. Alex and Laurens glanced at each other, grinning, another member of the Hamilsquad was here.   
“Hercules!” Laurens called out, and the two ran over to Hercules. Who they found kissing Lafayette passionately.   
“Get a room!” Angelica, who was next to them in the crowd, yelled. “Also, you’re five!”  
Lafayette separated from Hercules, leaving Hercules sad. “Well mon ami, I’m six. So screw off.”   
“Okay, yup, pay attention to the making out couple, NOT THE RESURRECTED DEAD MAN!” Alex screamed into Laf’s ear.  
“AND PEGGY!”  
“Ow, you know there’s such a thing a volume?” Lafayette rubbed his ear. “Wait, what. Resurre-” He then noticed Laurens. “HOLY DAMN!”  
“OH SHIT IT’S JOHN!”  
“MY GOD IT’S JOHN!”  
“JOHN’S BACK! JOHN’S BACK!”  
“...And Peggy.”

Just then the door opened, to reveal a butler.   
“What is that noi- ...I knew I should’ve retired.” The butler said, “...Don’t worry kids, I’ll go get Master Jefferson.” The butler left, leaving the kids in silence.  
“JEFFERSON!?!?!” Alex screamed, very high pitched.  
“Alex.” John began. “Calm the frick down.”  
“Alexander, it would be best if you didn’t make us all go deaf.” Another child said, approaching Alex.   
“Burr.” Alex narrowed his eyes.  
“Alexander.”  
“Wait, what?” John question, confused, as the two didn’t hate each other as much as they obviously hated each other now. “What did I miss?”  
“John, that’s Jefferson’s line.”

“Anyways, Alexander. Do you know who all is here? I’ve found Seabury, the Schuyler sisters, Lee, Washington, Mrs. Reynolds.” Aaron wiggled his eyebrows at Alex. “Hercules, Lafayette, and you two.”  
“I think that’s it,” Laurens told A-A-Ron, just as the door opened again. This time revealing Thomas. He took a moment to process what was in front of him, though when he did it looked like he was going to faint.   
“HAMILTON!?!?” Thomas screamed, horror stricken onto his face. “What the hell are you here and what the fuck happened to you?”  
“That I do not know. But I suppose you wouldn’t mind helping us in this...predicament?” Jefferson took a step back. “I-I’ll be back. I think.” He dramatically ran to find his husband, like the drama queen he is. He left the door open. 

A bit later James and Thomas following came to the front door.   
“Thomas, what is this?”  
“I don’t know.” Thomas choked out.  
“We’re little kids dumbass.” Alex scoffed, holding John’s hand. “What the hell do you think? Now, are you going help us or not?”  
“Like hell, we would help you!”  
“Secretary Jefferson,” a commanding yet a high-pitched voice said in a warning tone. Thomas and James watched as a five-year-old George Washington stepped in front of Alex. “I don’t know how this happened or what to do, but I do know we need your assistance. Secretary, would you be so kind as to help us as we attempt to figure out what to do? I’m still your superior.”   
“Y-Yes sir, why don’t y’all come inside?” Thomas and James stepped aside, still in shock. The parade of kids all entered the building. When all of the kids were inside, James turned to Thomas.  
“What’re we going to do?”  
“That is a question that will never be answered.” Thomas went back into the building, leaving James shaking his head.  
“I’m married to a fucking drama queen.”


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOAH ANGELICA IS CRAZY
> 
> Alex was whoring around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I wasn't high when I wrote this chapter

“Alright, everyone gather around in a circle,” Thomas commanded the children as they all stood awkwardly in the parlor. “Criss-cross applesauce”  


“FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” Alex screamed, kicking Thomas’ shin.  


This had almost no effect on him. “You can’t, but James totally can.” Thomas snickered as James turned red and hit his arm. “Anyway, zip up some marshmallows in your mouth.”  


“What does that mean?” Eliza asked, confused. She had already obeyed the first command and sat down with everyone else (except Alex, who was being stubborn).  


“Haven’t you ever gone to kindergarten?” Thomas snapped. Woooooah Thomas is a bitch. After James explained for them Alex was the only one who was still talking.  


“Hey, Alex,” John said, tugging on Alex’s coat, “you could sit on my lap and borrow the marshmallows from my mouth.”  


“What the fuck,” Samuel muttered to Charles.  


“O-okay,” Alex agreed.  


“What?” Eliza wailed, “I am your _wife_ , we have _nine_ children. Don’t you dare start this shit again.  


“Again?” Peggy and John repeated. “Wait there are others?” John asked. “What about just us?”  


“EXCUSE ME?” Angelica yelled, “YOU DOG! I’M GOING TO RIP YOUR DICK OFF, ALEXANDER!!!!!!” She was held back by Washington and Aaron as Eliza was near tears. Maria was sobbing, saying ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again for some reason. Eliza got up and comforted her despite their different sides on the affair.  


“Okay, okay, wait,” John said, standing up. “Alex, how many people have you slept with?”  


“A lot?”

“YOU FUCKING WHORE!” Angelica screeched.

By now everyone was yelling and arguing with each other. Thomas noticed it was all giving James a headache. He whistled really loud, making everyone quiet down and turn to look at him. “WHEN I SAY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” Thomas yelled. “Not you, Mr. President,” he hastily added, fearing for his life. Everyone, including Washington, sat down and shut their mouths. Thomas inhaled and exhaled, trying to calm himself. He did notice the slaves that were passing by when they peeked into the room, but just ignored them.”Now, who is all here and how many of you are there?”  


Philip stood up from somewhere in the circle “Fourteen,” he reported.  


“Philip?” Eliza asked, shocked, “It happened to you too?”  


“Yeah, Ma, Anyway, Mr.Jefferson, the people here are, Mr. President, aunt Angelica, mom, aunt Peggy, Pa, Senator Burr, George Eacker, Hercules Mulligan, Lafayette, John Laurens, Maria Reynolds, Charles Lee, and Samuel Seabury.”  


“How do you know all these people?” Alex asked his son. 

"You talk about them," Philip answered, shrugging.

"So I guess you heard all that?" Eliza said, wiping her tears.

"Yeah, but I already knew about John. I found the letters."

"Oh god..." John groaned burying his face in his hands.

"Babe, that's enough," Eacker said just loud enough for everyone. Philip sat down on his lap and intertwined their fingers.

"WHAT, PHILIP HOW COME I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS?" Alex yelled.

Philip shrugged. "You're never there, dad." This made Alexander's heart drop like a stone,guilt chipping away at him.

(I'm leaving it here bc IDK what to write now lol oops?)

**Author's Note:**

> Really short start


End file.
